Mark Spitzer >
Waiting for Osama
      
 
CHARACTERS
Osama bin Laden
(tall, skinny, w/long beard)
Saddam Hussein
(short, squat, with mustache)
First Weapons Inspector
(with the head of a duck)
Second Weapons Inspector
(with the head of a duck)
Jesse Jackson
(looks like the Reverend Jesse Jackson)
Hula Girl
(grass skirt, the Hawaiian look)
Echo
(occasionally booms from somewhere offstage
like the voice of God)
 









ACT 1
          
The curtain rises. The stage is empty.Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein enter with dumbbells. They
disrobe, revealing two, lean, half-naked bodies. Techno music starts up and they vigorously start 
working out in homoerotic symbiosis. The music stops and so do they.

       
OSAMA
 Boy, Saddam, that sure was a keen work out.

SADDAM
You bet, Osama. These days, people in our profession need to keep fit, eat right, and release our chakras is positive, healthy ways.

OSAMA
 That's for sure. Gatorade?

SADDAM
Hot dog!

Osama takes two bright lime Gatorades out of his robes on the floor, hands one to Saddam, and they toast.
Both lean way back and take a slug, letting the liquid dribble across their chests. New Age music starts up. 

 OSAMA (affectionately)
You sly little vixen, you.

SADDAM (blushing)

Shucks.

Two veiled women shuffle in, pushing massage tables in front of them. They stop and wait.


SADDAM
Now, my friend, you just chill off on that one over there, and I'll do the same over here, and we'll attune our energies to Allah.

OSAMA
 Yeah, alla in the name of re-lax-ation!

They both laugh too enthusiastically, then lie down on the massage tables on their bellies. Dreamcatchers
and crystals descend from above and wind chime sounds start up as the women massage the men.

SADDAM
 Loosen up, bro. Loosen up. You're so tense. Don't tell me you're still stressed out by recent events?

OSAMA
 Well, you know how it is. I'm persecuted, and people just don't understand the good work I've been doing.

SADDAM
I hear ya. But put that all behind you. The past is the past.

OSAMA
You're right, chum. I've got a new life now, here in Iran... so far away.

SADDAM (laughing)
Stop it, you're killing me. But this is Iraq, silly boy.

      

        
OSAMA

      

      
Yep, and I've got it good here. No more caves, no more rubble, no more dust in my mutton, but the good life.
The American dream!

      
 Both men laugh again.

      

        

SADDAM

        

          
You
              said it! My fridge is your fridge, my oil is your oil. There's
               more than enough for both of us. If only mules ran
               on gasoline.

        

      

      

        

OSAMA

      

      
 And that's not all you have.

      

        

SADDAM

      

      
Right-O! We've got all the moral support you'll ever need, right outside the palace doors. We also have a
sparkling sense of national pride, rosey cheeks, and all the weapons of mass destruction you could ever use.

      

        

FIRST WOMAN

      

      
 Quack!

      

The music stops. Saddam and Osama look at each other in astonishment. Then they turn and look at the
women, who rip off their veils, revealing that each has the head of a duck.

      

        

SADDAM

        

          
Weapons inspectors!

        

      

      

        

OSAMA

      

      
Let's jet!

      

      

The Arabs jump up and run away as the women waddle after. Everyone leaves the stage. Then they all
come running back. This time, though, Saddam and Osama are chasing the quacking inspectors with
nets. The lights dim.



      

        

      

      

      
 

      

      

        
ACT 2

      

      
 The curtain rises. The Weapons Inspectors are shackled to a crumbling wall.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

        
Brecht.
        

      

      
      

        
SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
Genet.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

      

      
 Brecht!

      

        

SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
 Genet!

      

Enter Jesse Jackson wearing a suit.

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

        
Amiri Baraka!

      

      
      

        

FIRST and SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
Say what?

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

        
Say Leroi Jones.

        
FIRST
            and SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
      
Ohhhhh...

      

A long, uncomfortable silence.

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

        
Or Tennessee Williams.

      

      
      

An equally long silence, and then they all agree, nodding and quacking emphatically.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

        
But seriously, Jesse Jackson, what are you doing here?

      

      
      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Well, you're hostages, so I'm negotiating for your release.

      

        

SECOND INSPECTOR

        
And how goes it?

      

      
      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Okay, I spose.

      

 Another long, awkward silence.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

      

      
 So what are you offering them? Drugs, weapons, medicine?

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Chalk.

      

      

        
 FIRST and SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
Chalk?

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Is there an echo here?

      

        

ECHO

      

      
Is There An Echo Here?

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

      

      
How much chalk?

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Three tons, six tons, whatever it takes.

      

        

SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
That's a lot of chalk.

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Yeah, but you're worth it.

      

Jesse Jackson leaves the stage. The lights dim as the Inspectors hum "Old Man River."



        

          

        

      

        
 

        

        

          


ACT 3

        
      
Jesse Jackson and Saddam Hussein are working out with dumbbells. Their bodies glisten with perspiration.

      

        

SADDAM

      

      
Three tons? Three tons? Are you serious?

          
JESSE
              JACKSON          

          
Serious as a heart attack.

                

     SADDAM

              

                
Then you insult me. I will not be mocked!

              

      

        

ECHO

      

      
 I Will Not Be Mocked!
       

      
Saddam pulls out a machine-gun and fires toward the sky. A death cry is heard, and then a ham drops on stage.



      

        
JESSE JACKSON (picking up the ham
   and offering it to Saddam)

      

      
Three tons of chalk and one ham.

      

        

SADDAM

      

      
I spit on your ham!

      

He spits on the ham.

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Were you raised in a barn?

      

        

SADDAM (addressing audience)


      

      
Yes, I was raised in a barn, on the outskirts of a tiny village in France. My father was a shepherd and my
mother was a whore. I wrote little poems and sold them for peanuts to the zoo. But then when I was twelve,
the elephant died, so the demand for peanuts went down. That's how I ended up here.



      

        
 JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Okay, look, you wanna play hardball? Well, two can play at that game, see. So here's the skinny: I'll give
you this ham, plus six tons of chalk, but only under one condition.

      

        

 SADDAM

      

      
Six tons!? Have you gone cuckoo?

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
And I must insist that this condition be met!

      

        

SADDAM (sarcastically)

      

      
Ooooo, you're keeping me in such suspense. All right, hotshot, what's your condition?

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
I give you one ham...

      

        

SADDAM

      

      
Uh huh...

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

        
And six tons of chalk...

      

      
      

        

SADDAM

      

      
Gotchya...

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
And you give me...

      

        

SADDAM

      

        

          
 Keep talking...

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

        

      

      
The hostages...

      

        

SADDAM

      

      
And...

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Osama.

      

        

SADDAM (guffawing)

      

      
Osama?

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Osama!

      

        

SADDAM

      

      
Yo momma!

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Should I take that as a "no"?

      

        

SADDAM

      

      
Duh.

      

      

        
JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Then we'll blow all your sand to dust!

      

Saddam thinks about it for a few seconds, then accepts the ham.



      

        
SADDAM

      

      
Deal!

      

They shake hands and go back to pumping iron. Lights dim.



      

        

      

      

      
 

      


      

        
 ACT 4

      

      
The Weapons Inspectors are still shackled to the wall.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

        
This is ridiculous. Nobody can have any sympathy for us.

      

      
      

        

SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
Not true. Our situation does not require conventional connections in order to provoke an understanding of our plight.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

      

      
We don't need support from those who are easily amused. We need support from the opposite.

      

        

SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
That's right, if we want to get out of this pickle. Which doesn't exist, but does.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

      

      
I never should've become a weapons inspector, but I was born into the job.

      

        

SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
Oh when will Osama ever be found?

      

        
FIRST INSPECTOR

      

      
I'll dance a jig the day they free us from our rusty chains.
       

      

        
SECOND INSPECTOR (looking to the left)

      

      
Hey, maybe that's him now.

      

Enter Hula Girl, dancing tropically.

      

        
HULA GIRL

      

      
Osama bin Laden has flown the coup
When they catch his ass
We'll make a fine soup.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

      

      
She speaks in riddles.

      

        

SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      

        

          
No, she doesn't. You know that.

        

      

      

        

  HULA GIRL

      

      
You swell guys are in a jam
Cuz Osama bin Laden's on the lam.

      

        

  FIRST INSPECTOR (to Hula Girl)

      

      
Why don't you tell us something we don't know? 

      

        

SECOND INSPECTOR

      

      
Why I oughta give her a knuckle sandwich.

      

        

HULA GIRL

      

      
Or a ham!

      

        
ECHO

      

      
 A Ham!

      

The three of them look up as a ham comes swinging down on a rope. It hits the Hula Girl and knocks her off the stage.

      

        

FIRST INSPECTOR

      

      
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

      

Slowly, the ham starts to rise. Enter Saddam and Jesse Jackson. Saddam is holding the other end of the ham-rope.
Jesse Jackson is curling dumbbells.

      

        

SADDAM (to Jesse Jackson)

        
We'll dig a hole and put a rug over it, and when Osama jumps up to       
    get the ham, he'll land in our trap.

      

      
      

        

 JESSE JACKSON

      

      
It's all good.

      

As Jesse Jackson and Saddam leave the stage, Osama peeks from behind the wall. He rubs his palms sneakily,
then slinks back down as the ham rises and the lights dim.



      

        

      

      

      
 

      

      

        ACT 5
      

      
Osama, dressed in a bright Hawaiian shirt, is kicking back on a lawn chair, drinking a fancy umbrella-drink out of a 
coconut. The Hula Girl dances in front of him as he admires her backside.

      

        

HULA GIRL

      

        

            
Your reward's now up
To twenty tons of chalk
And five whole hams
But no one's gonna talk.



            
OSAMA

      
What? Only five measly hams? That's the kind of price you pay for amateurs like Hitler. I'm sure.

        

          

HULA GIRL

        

        
It's in the news
It's all over town
Those sitting ducks
Are going down.

        

          

OSAMA

        

        
They don't exist, anyhow. There's not enough chuckles going round to make them what they aren't.

        

          

HULA GIRL

        

        
Nobody cares, nobody cares
There's not enough ham
For their lives to be spared.

        

          

OSAMA

        

        
They'll just have to wait until they're forgotten. Which won't take long.

        

          

HULA GIRL

        

        
Twenty minutes? Twenty years?

        

          
OSAMA

        

        
Something like that.

      

Jesse Jackson is suddenly lowered by the ham-line. He dangles in front of Osama.

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Osama, you scoundrel! I'm here to swing a deal.

      

        

OSAMA

      

      
I didn't know you were a swinger.

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Very funny, ha ha ha. Last time I heard that I fell off my pet dinosaur.

      

        

HULA GIRL

      

      
What was its name?

      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Lenny.

      

        

  HULA GIRL

      

      
My cousin Lenny is sick.
Too many times I tell him he's a retard.
I say "You and your red hair.
You're not my cousin no more."
He eats pigtails for dinner
My cousin Lenny is sick.

      

Nobody reacts. A long pause.

      

        

OSAMA (to Jesse Jackson)

        
So what's your deal then? Let's talk turkey.

      

      
      

        

JESSE JACKSON

      

      
Ten hams!

      

        
OSAMA

      

      
Ten hams for my life? Have you gone loony tunes? What use would I have for ten hams if I wasn't even around to
enjoy them?


        

          

JESSE

        

        
You could give them to the poor.

      

        

OSAMA

      

      
Nope, doesn't cut it. I'll tell you what, though. You give me ten hams, ten tons of chalk, and that turncoat Saddam, and I'll
think about it.

      

        

          

            

              

                

                  

                    

Jesse Jackson lowers his head in defeat. He is hoisted up. Osama rises and walks to the edge of the stage. The Hula Girl
goes into the audience and dances up and down the aisle.

      

        

OSAMA (addressing audience)

                  

                

              

            

          

        

      

      
So you see, my good people, you will always wait. And even if you do catch me, I will always be free and giggling amidst
you. Anyway, it's not me you really want, it's what you can't have back. And all the ham in the world can't buy that, for I
hold the coconut of love!

      

        

ECHO

      

      
The Coconut of Love!

      

Osama raises the coconut up high as five hams fall from the sky behind him. Saddam, the Hula Girl, Jesse Jackson and
the Inspectors scramble up on stage and grab a ham. Then stepping to the edge of the stage, they stand beside Osama
and raise their hams high.

      

        
ECHO

      

      
Bravo! Encore! A Splendid Performance!

      

The roar of sports fans erupts from the wings, melding with the self-congratulatory cheering of the cast.

      

        

CURTAIN.